lockedinjim

…continued

OK, where was I? Oh that’s right, I was singing about A Few of My Favorite Things:

TV shows

Homeland – I’m getting caught up on Season 4 now, I’m about halfway through. So far this season the lead character, CIA officer Carrie Mathison, has emotionally and sexually manipulated a young Pakistani college student so that he would become a CIA asset and she’s shown herself to be a completely unfit, and quasi-homicidal, mother to her newborn baby girl. She’s basically a hot mess of a trainwreck. She’s gonna have some serious splaining to do these next six episodes if she wants people to root for her again. My sister had a good question: The CIA wouldn’t install into a volatile Middle Eastern country as station chief someone who was on 14 different medications and had severe mental imbalances, would they? I hope not.

Orphan Black – Last winter my cousin and his wife told me about this show and I thought, ‘Yeah, I’ll have to check it out sometime’, so I put it on my ‘when I get around to it’ list. Well, I finally got around to about six weeks ago and now I’m hooked and eagerly anticipating Season 4 next spring. If I had heard much about it ahead of time I probably wouldn’t have watched it, it wouldn’t have sounded like my cup of tea, but I think it’s worth checking out.

Better Call Saul – When Breaking Bad wrapped things up and finished its run, it was a real bummer. That’s okay though, because one of the best characters from that show, Saul Goodman, got his own spinoff series! Another one of my favorite characters, Mike Ehrmantraut, also plays a prominent role. (Now if they can just figure out a way to have Jesse Pinkmann and Skinny Pete make cameos.)

Alaskan Bush People – A show on the Discovery Channel about a family of nine that lives out in the Alaskan wilderness. They’re obviously very backwards but they’re a tight-knit and loving family, they’re kind of fun to watch. It can be funny too, for example: The one kid had never seen a microwave and was amazed at how it ‘magically’ cooked his food. His brother had never heard of Kim Kardashian before and had only used a phone three times in his life – and he was in twenties!

Ray Donovan – In a post about stuff that I think is great, there are only so many ways I can say that I think a certain thing is great. Needless to say, I think <enter certain thing> is great! It won’t be any more if the show’s best character Mickey (Jon Voight), keeps jamming himself up and winds up taking a dirt nap.

The Americans – It was strongly (ahem) suggested to me more than once that I give this show a chance. I’m so glad I did. A show about Soviet spies that takes place in the 1980’s didn’t sound all that great to me but I changed my mind. I can’t wait for Season 4!

Game of Thrones – I don’t normally get into fantasy, dragons, medieval nobility, Renaissance fair type stuff – watching the geeky science nerds on The Big Bang Theory is about the extent of that – but this show is great, especially the first few seasons (Spoiler alert: 75% of the main characters have either been beheaded or poisoned by Season 5!) I put this show up there with my all-time favorites like Breaking Bad, The Sopranos and The Walking Dead.

Fargo – We finally found a show that we both like. Jen sits down for 60 minutes a week when this show comes on. I don’t mean to offend Minnesotans or people who like that state but I never want to live there. It looks like the place where pleasantness goes to die. By the way, just how bizarre and creepy can Billy Bob Thornton be anyway? We can’t wait for Season 2 this fall!

Bloodline – I didn’t have real high hopes for this Netflix original from the get-go but as I got into it after couple episodes I was pleasantly surprised. It’s a drama/mystery about a seriously jacked up family that runs a hotel down in the Florida Keys. I loved the setting, that’s why I kept watching it early on.

Fear the Walking Dead – I think this show has the potential of being one of my favorites, especially if a certain whiny teenager either gets eaten by a zombie or starts behaving and quits making the apocalypse a real drag for everybody. I don’t need to point her out, oh, she knows who she is. Anyway, this show is a spinoff from The Walking Dead, which I think could be winding down (in my opinion). It might end up being better than the parent show, it just has a grittier and more cinematic feel to it.

The Carmichael Show (NBC) – Terrible acting, so it’ll probably end up getting canceled, but the subject matter is good. It takes on ‘hot button topics’ that other shows don’t touch. I’m not sure what a ‘hot button’ is exactly but I imagine the show will be controversial, if it isn’t already. It recently had an episode featuring an open and frank discussion about religion, another episode was about gun control. It also touched on transgender identity and the pro-life/pro-choice debate. It was funny, in one episode the Mom was saying how she scored all this Paula Deen cookware on clearance after her racial slurs got leaked to the public. She said, ‘I wish Rachel Ray would use the N-word so I could afford some of her stuff.’ Cracked me up, I like that show. What are your thoughts, Jen? (Actually, we do communicate with each other outside of this blog sometimes. I just didn’t feel like typing ‘Do you like The Carmichael Show?’ into my speaking program because that might lead to some confusion and then there’d be more questions and ‘ain’t nobody got time for that’!)

Impractical Jokers (TRUtv) – All you need to know about this show is in the opening credits: ‘This show’s sole reason to exist is so that four lifelong friends can publicly humiliate each other.’ These guys are hilarious! We saw them ‘Live’ down at the Peabody late last winter and it was the best show I’ve seen this year.

Miscellaneous stuff

Willie Nelson – We went over to Lindenwood’s new auditorium (I forget the name) to see him give a concert last spring. He’s 78 years old and still going strong, we had seen him once or twice before. He’s an awesome guitarist and I happen to like his voice. The thing about Willie is that people either love him or hate him – there’s no middle ground. Kinda like Neil Young or Bob Dylan. (I happen to like Neil Young. Bob Dylan? Not so much.)

Neil deGrasse Tyson – Saw him down at the Peabody. If you’re not familiar with him, he’s a popular astrophysicist and educator. (Those two words, “popular” and “astrophysicist”, usually don’t hang out together very often.) He’s somewhat of an egghead and a little nerdy, but he’s actually pretty interesting and kinda funny. At the beginning of the night he said, ‘By a show of hands, who is here because the person next to you made you come with them?’ Well, I thought it was funny.

Jim Gaffigan – We saw him live down at the Peabody. He was good but he was funnier the last time we saw him. Unlike Louis C.K., one of my other favorite stand-ups who writes all new material every year, he re-hashed some of his old stuff that I had already heard before. By the way, he has a sitcom on the FX channel that is very funny.

Cardinals – Hasn’t this been an awesome season so far for this team? I realize that as a Cardinals fan I’ve been spoiled for the last several years, but we just got shut out by Cincinnati last night 11-0. I know they’re calling it a ‘mini-slump’ or ‘hiccup’ or whatever, but at what point should I start getting nervous. I hope that by the time you read this, in a few days, that there’ll be joy in Mudville once again!

Global warming – For the last year or so, I’ve been learning about and have become concerned with climate change. You have to use the phrase “climate change” nowadays because the term “global warming” implies temperate weather and is a cause of confusion during the winter months. I caught myself watching that documentary An Inconvenient Truth from a few years back. Who would have thought that I’d ever watch a movie starring Al “Snooze-fest” Gore? Actually, it was kind of thought-provoking. I don’t really have a huge problem with the use of fossil fuels as the source of energy production, I’ve been reaping its benefits my whole life and I don’t wanna sound hypocritical, but it’s time to get away from burning coal, oil and gas because it’s old-fashioned, dirty and harmful to our environment. I, like many others, think the U.S. should lead the way in developing clean, renewable energy.
OK, I’m done. Will someone help me down from my soapbox? I don’t want to sprain my ankle.

Todd Ponder – We were in touch with a family living in Tucson (spelling looks weird to me, had to double check it) whose roots are from around here. They’re a family of four, having two small children. The husband, Todd Ponder, also had a brainstem stroke and his condition is similar to mine but he’s had a much rougher go of it than me, unfortunately. His wife, also named Jennifer, works herself ragged trying to keep everything afloat as best she can, just like my Jen does. They have a GoFundMe page set up for them that provides assistance and a place where she can post updates about their situation.

Trivia Night 2016 – We just reserved the gym up at St. Charles Borromeo for our Trivia Night next year on 3/12/16. For the last couple years in the days and weeks leading up to the TN we’ll say, ‘This’ll probably be the last one of these.’ We’re just always running low on material and besides, we’re down to our last inflatable palm tree! Then the event comes and goes and things settle down and we’ll say, ‘Well, that wasn’t so bad – let’s do another one!’ So, who knows how we’ll feel next year?

Brick Oven pizza – We found our 17th new favorite pizza place. It barely ekes out Pirrone’s in O’Fallon. It’s in a strip mall up by Costco in St. Peters. My sister told us about this place, it’s putting a serious hurt on my weight loss program (thanks Julie!) and they (yikes) deliver.

www.waitbutwhy.com – A couple months ago my brother told me about this website (blog) and I’ve been hooked on it ever since. It’s a bunch of stuff ranging from articles about Artificial Intelligence to completely silly topics like types of annoying people on Facebook. The guy’s name is Tim Urban, he’s probably super smart but he writes in such a way that a regular guy like me can find it interesting and informative – not to mention that it’s usually pretty hilarious. They’ve recently gotten into creating podcasts which is cool because that’s right up my alley.

www.ted.com – We heard about this website on 60 Minutes a while back and I love it. It’s a humongous collection of short videos (mostly 10-20 minutes) called TED Talks. TED stands for Technology, Entertainment and Design. You can find a TED Talk on practically any subject given by an interesting expert in that field. I’ve watched talks on topics ranging from drone capabilities to racial issues in America.

Well, those are the highlights of everything I’ve (we’ve) been up to. Sorry for the long post but thanks for reading. I’ll try not to wait another 12 months before getting back to this!

Jim

It’s been drawn to my attention that I haven’t made an entry in this blog in over a year. That couldn’t be right so I checked and it has: Where does the time go? It sure flies when you’re having fun! When I was making entries in this fairly regularly for about a year or so I think I talked about everything I wanted to talk about. Long story short: I enjoyed writing blog posts but I just ran out of things to talk about.

So Jen encouraged me to write another one and suggested that I just talk about what I, and we, have been up to the last year. The problem is, I have a hard time remembering what I did in the last week – much less in the last year. So what have I been up to you ask? I’ve been up to what I do best, three words: Books, Movies and TV Shows. (Or is that four words?) Note: I was pretty unclear of the rules when you should be using italics, “quotes” or underlining when talking about titles. The rules I uncovered where about as clear as mud and I left the site more confused than when I went in. To add to the confusion, you’re not supposed to underline a word or phrase on a web page unless it’s a hyperlink. Basically, what I got out of it was that that area of grammar is the Wild West and anything goes. Can you imagine how tough it would be to learn English as a second language? Learning it as a first language ain’t easy and it’s hard to talk and wright gud.

Anyway, here goes:

Books

“The Martian” – This book could have been called “MacGyver Gets Stranded on Mars”. The whole book is about him trying to orchestrate his own rescue. There’s been a lot of talk lately about possible manned missions to Mars in the next decade or so. If that ever comes to pass, count me out because that sounds like an absolutely horrible place.

“Go Set a Watchman” – Harper Lee’s original version of “To Kill a Mockingbird”. I never read it but it was a great movie. I listen to three types of books: a) crappy ones where I can barely get through a few chapters at best (unfortunately, I manage to download a lot of these!) b) good ones that I can half-heartedly listen to while my A.D.D. kicks into overdrive and I simultaneously jack around on my computer c) good ones that require my full attention so I don’t get lost. I make myself listen to these only when we’re riding around in the van running errands and I don’t have anything else to do. This one is a “riding in the van” book.

“Elon Musk: Tesla, SpaceX and the Quest for a Fantastic Future” – If you’ve never heard of this guy before (I hadn’t), you probably will in the next few years. He’s a Silicon Valley millionaire entrepreneur Steve Jobs type who’s into stuff like space travel, solar power and electric cars. Super smart and extremely ambitious – I know I have a pretty good excuse to sit around all the time but man, I felt like a major league slug while reading this.

“Endangered” – The latest in the Joe Pickett series by one of my favorite authors – C.J. Box (who we saw speak last spring) doesn’t disappoint. Stories about a Wyoming game warden sounded super boring to me but 15 books later, I’ve changed my tune. My expectations were pretty low going into the first one, Open Season, but I was pleasantly surprised.

“Ghost Boy” – Probably the best book I’ve read in the last year. The author, Martin Pistorius, tells the story of how he had developed a mysterious illness as an adolescent that left him in a Locked-In state. He had to deal with all sorts of challenges. Not only is it well written but I like it because I can relate to the subject matter.

“Food: A Love Story” – Jim Gaffigan’s second book (his first one was called “Dad is Fat”). He’s my favorite comedian. In this book he celebrates his lifelong addiction to food.

Movies

Gone Girl – I’m normally not a huge Ben Affleck fan, even though he was the recipient of the Nicolas Cage Thespian Arts lifetime achievement award, but this movie was an exception to his usual Limburger cheese sandwich. I reread the book right before we saw it to help me understand the plot twists better, you need to pay attention. Neil Patrick Harris and Tyler Perry also had small parts and they were really good.

Chef – I really liked this movie a lot but I feel bad about it. I ended up watching it by myself one afternoon on my computer, without Jen, and I know she would have loved it. So let’s just keep that between us, k?

Whiplash – An abusive and vulgar college jazz band teacher intimidates his drummer student and threatens to jeopardize his career. Say what you want about band class geeks, but if our teacher back in high school was half as bad as this guy he would’ve ended up getting knifed in the parking lot after school on Day 1.

Birdman: Or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance) – Winning an Academy Award last winter (Best Picture?) meant that this movie had a 50-50 chance of being crappy. Despite being quirky as all get-out, Michael Keaton’s performance made it worthwhile. I hope he doesn’t take another 10 year hiatus.

Nightcrawler – Jake Gyllenhall got all skinny and gaunt like Matthew McConaughey did but it didn’t win him an Oscar (he should have, he was great). He plays a creepy, slithery videographer who trolls the late night streets of L.A. looking for car accidents that just happened and “fresh” crime scenes. I’ve been a fan of his ever since Prisoners, despite Southpaw.

American Sniper – Awesome movie about Navy Seal sniper Chris Kyle. What can I say? I like movies about the military. Jen calls them my ‘shoot ‘em ups’ – and this was a good one.

Unbroken – Directorial debut by Angelina Jolie. Pretty good movie but the book was better. It’s the true account of how a WWII airman survived a Japanese POW camp for a few years. I only mention her because I wanna mention a Clint Eastwood movie that she was in called Changeling back in 2008 that was really good.

The Gift – Creepy and suspenseful, I kept expecting a cat, or something worse, to jump from a closet any second for 108 minutes and startle me right out of my chair. Jason Bateman strayed from his usual comedic roles to play a convincing successful network security analyst who bumps into a vague acquaintance from his high school days. I hope I’m not giving too much away by saying this, but if you weren’t always the nicest person in the world – you probably shouldn’t have someone you barely know over for dinner.

Inside Out – Jen, myself and 23 toddlers saw this one at the new Streets of St. Charles theater (awesome place, BTW). Sure, it was an animated flick for kids but that kept the profanity and graphic violence to a minimum. If you haven’t seen this one already, it deserves a spot on your Netflix queue.

Prisoners – I know this movie came out a couple years ago but it was really good. It’s a warmhearted and delightful yarn about child abduction. Who doesn’t enjoy a good, rainy day dramedy? I recently watched it again with Jen and her mom, we had a real good time trying to figure out all the twists and turns of the plot.

To be continued…

The latest installment in my “I probably should’ve paid more attention in high school” book series is a book called A Short History of Nearly Everything by Bill Bryson (that reminds me of a Rodney Dangerfield joke: ‘I always dreamt of going to college, especially when I was asleep in high school.’) It’s getting pretty good but it didn’t start out that way. I rarely fall asleep during the day but the first few chapters made me doze off at least 3 times. Especially when he started talking about cold fusion and sub-atomic particle supercolliders – B-O-R-I-N-G! All I could think was, ‘I wasted a whole audible.com credit on this big sleeping pill?’

The only thing that kept me from clicking the STOP button was that the narrator had a pleasant, interesting delivery and voice. In the world of audiobooks, the narrator can make or break a book. Recently, both my sister and my dad recommended to me a book called Natchez Burning. So I looked into it but when I did I found that the audio version got terrible reviews because the narrator was horrible. So I didn’t bother messing with it. Also, it’s 35 hours long. Even the guy (me) who seems to have an unlimited amount of free time won’t make that kind of commitment.

Back to this book, this one has a British guy doing the narrating – and you know them, English people always sound more intellectual and witty than they probably are. I like that accent, I could listen to them read a phone book out loud and I’d listen for at least a few minutes.

So, here are a few little factoids that I found interesting:

– Let’s pretend a galaxy of stars is the size of a frozen pea and the entire universe is the size of the Savvis Center where the St. ouis Blues play (the book used Boston Gardens but you get the idea!). Filling that arena completely up to the rafters with peas represents the number of galaxies in the universe and the vastness of it. Keep in mind that each pea (galaxy) has anywhere from 100 billion to 1 trillion stars.

– SETI (Search for ExtraTerrestial Intelligence) is an organization dedicated to finding proof of advanced life forms elsewhere in the universe. Since its formal inception during a conference held by its members in 1961, absolutely no evidence whatsoever has been discovered showing intelligent life existing anywhere in the universe except for Earth. However, the search to date has been in a minuscule slice of the immense emptiness of outer space. To illustrate: Imagine the universe being as large as all the oceans and seas on the earth. So far, SETI’s search area covers an 8 oz. glass of water.

– 99.5% of the earth’s surface is uninhabitable to humans. These areas include oceans, deserts, arctic regions, deep jungles, mountainous areas, etc.

– Earth’s entire population could live reasonably comfortably (Roof over your head, that’s about it.) in an area a little bit bigger than Texas. If we all stood shoulder like we were in a crowded bar, that bar would be slightly larger than Los Angeles.

– We know more about the sun’s interior, 93 million miles away, than we do about what’s directly beneath our feet about 20-30 miles down (the thickness of Earth’s continental crust). Underneath the floor of the ocean lies the oceanic crust, which is 3-6 miles thick.

– An attempt was made years ago in the middle of the Indian Ocean to drill through the crust below and reach the mantle, the area of our planet containing molten rock that reaches a temperature of 4000◦F. The scientists and engineers abandoned that effort after they soon realized that it would be easier to tighten a screw at street level while standing on top of the Empire State Building and using a long strand of spaghetti as a screwdriver.

– All knowledge of inner earth came from passing sound waves through Earth’s center and analyzing the echoes. How’d you like that job?

– If the world was an apple we haven’t even broken through the skin, not even close – we’ve barely scratched the surface. Sometimes we polish the apple and other times, we just bruise it.

– If our planet was the size of a desktop globe you remember from grade school, our atmosphere would take up as much room as the 3 coats of varnish on that globe.

– If Earth was 5% closer to the sun, it would be too hot for us to survive. 15% further away, too cold.

As much as I’ve enjoyed strolling down memory lane and sharing my high school Earth Science class with you, I gotta get going – I want to get back to my book!

7 ½ years of loyalty and faithful dedication meeting our transportation needs , Barney the Van is hanging up his chrome sport wheels and retiring from our service. In a few days he’ll be moving from the garage to his place out in the driveway, probably looking all sad and depressed because he’ll soon be sporting a new FOR SALE sign in his window. I hope he doesn’t get too down in dumps. He shouldn’t because in a few weeks (hopefully) he’ll have a new home where he’ll be able to help out that family with their ‘unique’ situation.

We’re not bummed out though. That’s because we’ve recently added a new addition to our family – Webster. Webster’s a 2005 Chrysler Town & Country minivan. We bought him the other day from a guy down in South County (Webster Groves, to be exact). Sidenote: OK, so as I’m writing this, I’m starting to creep myself out a little because I keep referring to our minivan(s) by name as if they were real little kids or something. Creepy.

Jen and I were only half-heartedly in the market for a new van for about a year or so. We just figured that we’d bite if we stumbled across something or it just fell in our laps. Well, it did. Jen found Webster on Craigslist, which she looked at occasionally. Even though it’s 9 years old already it’s practically brand new. It only has 14,000 miles and the interior is spotless – it even still has that new car smell!

I can’t believe that I’m excited about getting a new minivan. Then again, I never thought I’d be wearing oversized Crocs and white socks 365 days a year. Funny how things work out. I told Jen that since I’m a few years into my ‘mid-life crisis’ I wanted a sporty red convertible handicapped accessible minivan. Those are kinda hard to find, believe it or not.

I was kind of hoping to find another Dodge Caravan because that’s what Barney is and we’ve always had good luck with him. However, if he was a GMC or a Toyota, I would’ve wanted one of those. So I guess it doesn’t matter that much what it is. Besides, Dodge…Chrysler…same difference.

—– —– —– —–

I’d like to brag on Jen for a minute… We’re in the middle of a project remodeling our living room. Nothing too major, mostly just painting and new throw pillows – enough to ‘freshen’ things up and give it a clean look.

We have a brick fireplace and like most houses from the 80’s the bricks are dark red and black – not that there’s anything wrong with that! I never really paid much attention to it, I just figured that was how it was and it didn’t occur to me that we could/should change it. Well, that wasn’t a satisfactory answer for Jen and she set out to figure out how to change it. Boy, am I glad she did!

She researched it and came up with this technique: Basically, you whitewash the bricks with paint drastically thinned down with water. Then you go over it with your color (light tan in our case), also thinned down. The texture and some of the darker colors of the brick comes through the watery paint. I love it!

For someone who hates painting, she sure did a great job!

I just realized that I’ve had this blog open and kept it fairly active for just over a year (this includes my time wandering aimlessly in the Twitter world – Jimmy Fallon and Ellen DeGenerous tweet WAY too often!). My little login screen dashboard thing says I’ve made 51 posts. Jen wrote a couple of the blog entries, the good ones, but I’ve been responsible for the majority of them. Up until now I’ve pretty much managed not to offend anyone or say anything too controversial.

This might change that, I’d like to talk about my views on the death penalty. It’s not like I’m discussing abortion, immigration policy, Obamacare or legalized marijuana. That stuff will come later – let’s see how this goes first! My views on a lot of things have softened a little in the last eight years. I hate to admit this but my opinions on some things even have kind of a (throat clear) liberal odor to them. I’m not quite ready just yet to run out and stick a “I’m with Hillary!– 2016” sign in the front yard, let’s just say I find myself veering to the left a little more these days than I used to. However, unless the republican candidate in the next presidential election is a cross-dresser or a suspected pedophile, I’ll probably vote for him (or her)!

I recently heard on the radio that Missouri ranks third, behind Texas and Florida, on the list of states having the most executions year after year. This fact will most likely make some Missourians feel proud and righteous while at the same time, others will probably be kind of ashamed. Me? I’m somewhere down the middle. I have a stance on the death penalty – if you can call it that. I’m about 30% for it and 70% against it. (That reminds me of a joke: This country desperately needs education reform. 80% of the population agrees while the remaining 30% is OK with things the way they are.) Back to the death penalty, here are the pros and cons as I see them:

Pros –
The people that were convicted of such an evil crime, at least 99.9% of them, don’t deserve the privilege of being alive or having a place in society. I know that’s a pretty harsh sentiment but I know I would probably feel that way if the victim of that crime was one of my loved ones. If a neighbor or an acquaintance were in my shoes, I wouldn’t be feeling so strongly. Furthermore, I would know in my head that executing anyone, including a murderer, would be wrong even though my heart would make me feel differently.

Executing a killer permanently takes him off the streets and prevents him from hurting anybody else.

Cons –
(in no particular order)
I don’t think it’s our place to take a life, any life. I believe that all life, good or evil, is a gift from God and He and He alone has the right to take it back or revoke that gift. Also, I believe in karma (even though I don’t practice Hinduism!) and I think it’s God’s version of justice. We as a society should be careful not to step on His toes while He’s doling it out.

Executing someone is very expensive. I know it’s costly to warehouse a convicted murderer for the rest of his life but it can’t be more expensive than sticking him on death row where he/she spends the next twenty years appealing his conviction. Then, when he finally does get euthanized, the A.C.L.U sues the government saying the execution was inhumane.

The death penalty is supposed to deter us all from running out and killing each other, but murders happen all the time. If I ever felt like killing someone, having the death penalty hung over my head wouldn’t give me much pause because I’d know that I’d probably be in my sixties before my ticket got punched.

Occasionally (very rarely), an innocent person is executed. Even though that number is very small, it’s always one too many for me. Sure, throwing a person who was wrongly convicted in prison for the rest of his life isn’t great either, but isn’t it better than putting him to death?

—– —– —–

Like I said, I don’t have any skin in the game so I have the luxury and privilege to have this opinion but if I did, I bet it would be different. I need to quit typing now, my heart is starting to bleed all over my computer!

And now, a message from the sweeter and more likeable half of Jim & Jen. I was instruc- asked to put this entry into my blog as is, so you know I didn’t have anything like editorial influence over its content!:

‘I’m hijacking Jim’s blog again – but don’t tell him. I have to share what he did, because he won’t mention it. Something was delivered the other day and then he told me to get something off our printer. Anyway, the document he printed explained that he had created a digital scrapbook for me for our anniversary in October and it was on the porch. As you can imagine, I had to look at the book 3 times just to see it through my tears. He created 22 pages of pictures of all things near and dear to my heart – pictures of him and I, our families and friends; trips we have taken, events with family and friends – both pre and post stroke. Our life in pictures. I cried because of his thoughtfulness and the amount of effort it took him to do this. His vision issues create a challenge all their own, but combine that with the time and effort in selecting and moving one picture takes a ton of “clicks”, and this book is 22 pages. Yep, I was beside myself. I told him that nothing he could have bought me – whether he could walk/talk/drive himself to a store – would have meant more.’

‘We were in Costco one night a few years ago and this older woman walked over to us. That was surprising in itself because people usually walk away from us, not towards us. She put her hand on Jim’s arm and told him how handsome he was. If she would have been about 15-20 years younger, I might have had to throw down! Anyway, I explained that Jim couldn’t talk because of a stroke (so she wouldn’t think he was rude by just looking at her and not talking back). She explained that she was a retired nurse and how sorry she was about the stroke. I told her that I wasn’t surprised in the least to hear that she was nurse because she oozed compassion and genuine kindness. She also told Jim how lucky I was – boy is she right.’

‘Jim and I had a great 3 years of marriage before his stroke and this book is just a glimpse of it. We traveled every chance we could – any time we had enough vacation time and money saved, we were booking another trip. I don’t regret any of it. Our life now is also great and I think that is apparent in our smiles in these pictures too. For the front cover, he put a snapshot from our wedding day and titled the book ‘So far, really good’. Then on the back, a picture of us in Ireland with the words ‘To be continued’. I couldn’t agree more.’

Do you know who Neil DeGrasse Tyson is? He narrated that show Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey that was on FOX recently and is a frequent guest on late night talk shows. He’s an astrophysicist, and he’s seriously smart. He’s one of those high I.Q. eggheads who has a knack of dumbing stuff down and explaining things in a way that that doesn’t make him come off sounding condescending. Normal people like me understand what the heck he’s talking about.

Anyway, a while back I listened to part of a speech he gave at some college. I’m paraphrasing a lot of what he said and even making some of it up but his main point is left intact:

‘So, exactly what is Bill Gates’ net worth anyway? The short answer is: $46 billion OR $46 thousand million OR $4.60 x 10 to the tenth power OR $46 x 1,000 x 1,000 x 1,000. We can’t really comprehend or conceptualize the size of any of those numbers, except for that last one – maybe. People have a feel for how big a thousand somethings is. If a large flock of 1,000 birds suddenly take flight from a stand of trees or you see a school of 1,000 minnows form a cloud or ball in the swimming area at the lake, you kinda understand how big that number is. You can’t (and won’t even try to) stand there and count them all but since somebody already told you how many there are, you just accept it and move on. So, Bill Gates is worth $46 x 1,000 x a large flock of birds x a large school of minnows.’

‘To look at it another way we need to walk in his shoes. Let’s say you’re walking down the street and you come across a coin just laying there on the ground, free for the taking. Do you pick it up? It depends. If it’s a penny or a nickel, it’s probably not worth the trouble so you just walk on by, ignoring it. If it’s a dime or a quarter, however, it’ll most likely make you pause in your tracks, reach down and pick it up and put it in your pocket. After all, we’re talking real money here. Not too long ago, you could make a phone call or buy a cup of coffee with that kind of money!’

‘Now, same scenario only this time you’re Bill Gates walking down the street. What would Bill Gates do? How much money would he have to just run across to make him think that it’s worth his time and effort to stop and pick it up? His ‘dime or quarter’ is about $43,000. Anything less than this just isn’t worth his trouble.’

I think the moral of this story is: If you happen to see Bill Gates walking down the street, you should follow him closely because he just might come upon a bag full of $42,000 and not bother to pick it up.

It’s here! It’s here! After about ten months of eager anticipation, my new computer (Mr. Chips) arrived. I kind of half-expected it to be ready last September, even though I was doubtful. The end of summer came and went and no computer. No problem, I’ll probably have one by the end of the year. Well, the holidays passed us by and still no computer. I was beginning to get a little nervous. After all, the old one (General Lee) was 5 years old at least because we bought it used – it could kick the bucket any day and then I’d be in a world of hurt. Fast forward seven months (Where does the time go?) and I finally got my grubby little hands on it.

Needless to say, transitioning to a new system has been challenging. For starters, Mr. Chips (the new one) runs Windows 8 and it is very foreign to me. The tech support guy for the company that provided us with the system talked us through the procedure for getting back to the regular old ‘Windows 7-style’ desktop. He’s awesome, but more on him later*. He explained to us that Windows 8 is geared more towards tablets, smartphones and other touchscreen devices. People with regular desktop computers and laptops, like me, complained to Microsoft so much about it that we’re all promised Windows 9 free of charge when it’s ready in about a year. It’s supposed to be more all-device-inclusive. We’ll see.

Moving to a whole new computer can be uncomfortable at best. It’s like slipping out of your favorite pair of old, broken in, well-worn and faded blue jeans and changing into a pair of stiff, crackly corduroys or Dockers that are still a little damp in the cro- um, inseam because they were left to drip-dry on the clothesline right after they were taken out of the washing machine. You know it’s the right thing to do and besides, you can’t wear blue jeans to work or school (pre-1985, anyway).

There are a few outstanding issues with Mr. Chips so I’m still using General Lee until they get worked out. For example, the ECU (Environmental Control Unit), a.k.a the TV Remote, doesn’t work and you know that’s a big time dealbreaker! They’ll get it all worked out, though. The important thing is that I’m a lot better off than I was last fall.

—– —– —– —–

Shawn, the tech support guy for Words+ (the company that developed EZKeys, the software I use to control my computer, and provided me with the actual system), is really a great guy. Not only is he very knowledgeable about the software he supports and computers in general, he’s also super patient with us and makes us feel like we’re the only customers he needs to help that day. We really can’t say enough about him. I almost don’t mind computer problems!

…Continued

As I was saying – What does a person do when he finds himself in a situation like mine and doesn’t have a Jen in his life or come from a loving family? I guess you would end up living in a nursing home or something. Sounds miserable. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are some perfectly good ones out there but I really don’t want to go near one until I’m about 93.

This reminds me of the time several years ago when we went down to TRISL (The Rehabilitation Institute of St. Louis, my home away from home) for therapy or something. As we were heading in, they were taking this guy out of the back of an ambulance or van who was laying on a gurney all covered up with a blanket up to his neck. You could tell that he had some major issues because only his eyes were moving. He was a young guy and he was accompanied by what looked to be his dad – his Jen, you could just tell. I thought to myself, ‘Man, that poor guy’s got it rough. Compared to him I look like the next American Ninja Warrior.’ Jen’s aunt went with us one time and she said, ‘If you think you’re having a bad day, come down here and people-watch in the lobby for 15 minutes. You’ll see some people with real problems.’

Sorry, didn’t mean to sound preachy there!

Back to Jen Takin’ Care of Business, for example – a week ago Saturday night I got all settled in and assumed my position in the recliner in front of the TV. I was gonna watch my favorite ‘Whodunnit?’ show , 48 Hours. (This could really be a 10-minute show because the spouse always did it.) After that, an episode and a half of Pawn Stars. Meanwhile, Jen’s back there chipping away at the perpetual medium-sized mountain of paperwork and paying bills.

Oh, before I forget, I want to add one more item to Jen’s list of job titles – ‘General Contractor’. We seem to always have some sort of home improvement project in the works because, let’s face it, I can dream up lots of things to do around here what with all the spare time on my hands. Her responsibilities include: design input (color, shape, size, etc.), calling 14 different stores about availability and pricing of materials and calling and scheduling people to actually come over and do the work. It really keeps her jumping. I get tired just watching her!

Sometimes I have the fuzzy end of the LIS lollipop stick and sometimes she gets it.

Nobody ever told either of us that this was gonna be easy. Boy, has it ever lived up to that. When I stroked out and slipped into LIS almost eight years ago, neither of us had a clue as to what we were in for – especially Jen. Once the initial shock of having her husband of three years come pretty close to biting it kind of wore off a little and she quickly realized that she would now be running the show pretty much by herself, she hit the ground running at full speed and she really hasn’t slowed down since.

My legs don’t work anymore so she has to do all the legwork for both of us. (rimshot. “Thank you. I’ll be here all week. Try the veal and don’t forget the wait staff.”) She has to wear many different hats throughout the week. In no particular order, she has to be: caregiver, nurse, physical therapist, amateur eyelid surgeon *, head chef, grillmaster, housekeeper, primary groundskeeper, gardener, chauffeur, personal attendant, bodyguard (when I’m behind the wheel, I can be a danger to myself and others!), breadwinner**, CFO, banker, best friend, spiritual advisor, psychiatrist, wheelchair mechanic, handyperson, tech support, entertainment director and probably a lot of other things that slip my mind right now. In other words, she goes nonstop from the time her feet hit the floor in the morning until her head hits the pillow at night – seven days a week.

To be continued…

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* My left eye had been acting up and really bothering me the last couple of weeks. So we went to see the eyelid doctor who was recommended to us by our cornea specialist (who was referred to us by the neuroophthalmologist). Who knew all these different types of doctors even existed? I imagined this guy back in med school on the day they made you pick a specialty: Pulmonology? Taken. Cardiology? Taken. Ooh, look! No one has eyelids yet. Cool, I’m all over it! You can barely find just a regular old general practitioner anymore that isn’t 75 years old (nothing against 75-year+ olds, Dad!). Anyway, he explained that my eyelid was a little cattywampus (my word, not his) and it caused a few eyelashes to grow sideways and touch my eye, irritating it. We had two options: 1. He could perform an in-office procedure where he would flip my eyelid inside-out and make a small incision and that would shape my eyelid correctly and make my eyelashes behave. –OR- 2. Jen could get a decent pair of tweezers, the kind with the magnifying glass built onto them (?), and just pluck them out every 4-6 weeks when they come back. Um, no-brainer? I’m sorry but any “procedure” involving a scalpel and stitches anywhere on my face is an “operation” and I’ll be having none of it. So we chose Curtain 2 and now we’re just anxiously awaiting the return of my rogue eyelashes!

‘** Jen and I both worked for NISC in 2006 when I had my stroke. Jen continued to work there AND they allowed her to do her job from home. This has been a huge blessing for both of us. I don’t want to get into it now because it’s a whole different subject for another time but suffice it to say that we are both grateful to work/have had worked there.