lockedinjim

Not a lot goes into planning my day, I have somewhat limited options. Basically it boils down to: Which shows am I going watch today and am I going to listen to my audiobook? Well, I had my day all laid out before me. I was gonna watch the next episode of 24 (7:00 – 8:00) and see if this was the hour when Jack Bauer took a break from fighting terrorists to eat his lunch, grab 40 winks (when does the guy sleep?) and take a bathroom break (when does the guy ___? (uh, you know)). After that, it was gonna be the third episode (seas. 2) of Orange is the New Black. What’s going on with Piper and the rest of the nutjobs?

That plan was all set before Mother Nature threw me a nasty curve and made today a beautimous day . How can I spend yet another day sitting in the kitchen watching TV when an absolutely perfect day is just outside the door? There are probably about 60 days the ENTIRE YEAR when we are in the Goldilocks zone (not too hot, not too cold. Just right.), and I like to take advantage of as many of them as I can.

Watching TV outside on the deck is out of the question because the ambient sunlight makes seeing my computer screen next to impossible. Occasionally we deploy the OMC (Outdoor Man Cave). It kinda works OK, but as you can see – not only do I look and feel ridiculous, it gets a little stuffy in there.

This gorgeous weather is wreaking havoc on my TV watching schedule, don’t get mad at me if I do a little rain dance tomorrow morning!

Text highlighter/magnifier
I wish I would quit dreaming up stuff that I think I need (or just want) only to beat my head against a wall searching for it on the internet. This simple little piece of software has to exist somewhere out there – everything else does!

Need: Since my vision is jacked up I can’t read regular sized text on my screen. I get around this by zooming my internet browser or increasing the font size and bolding it. I also use a piece of software called Magnifying Glass Pro that zooms in on the area of the screen where my mouse pointer resides. In other words, wherever my mouse arrow goes gets MAGNIFIED. This all works OK for me but it can get a little cumbersome.

What I need (want): I picture it working something like this –> When the yet to be found/invented Highlighter is turned on, whichever (whatever?) line my blinking text cursor is on would be highlighted. Additionally, that section of the screen would be put in a box and magnified in the center of the screen. I don’t think this is rocket science.

Am I asking for too much?

I went ahead and took the plunge into the 21st Century and created a Twitter account. Now I can cyber-stalk hapless celebrities along with the rest of the online world from the comfort of my own kitchen. I even tested the water a little and posted a few Tweets. I really don’t know how it all works or what I’m doing yet but I’m almost certain that Kim Kardashian uses it and if she knows how to navigate her way through it, then I’m not too worried about it.

So far, I’ve set up my account (handle: @lockedinjim ), posted a handful of Tweets and even scavenged a few people to follow from my sisters’ accounts. (tip: Albert Brooks is hilarious!)

The idea is that I’d post a tweet every once in a while instead of writing a couple pages in this blog about my thoroughly exciting life every week. Occasionally something comes up that I wouldn’t mind sharing, but a sentence or two would do the trick – I don’t want (or need) to write several paragraphs on a subject usually. Believe it or not, it’s not all that easy to come up with stuff to talk about! I’m going to keep this blog account open but I don’t plan to use it very often. So from here on out, I’m officially entering the Twitter-sphere!

Some do more than others but I, like all guys, am interested in all gadgets electronic. I’m not throwing myself a pity party or anything, I’m just making an observation: for the last seven years I’ve been sitting here (literally!) on the sidelines with Locked-In Syndrome watching all kinds of breakthroughs in technology and really cool major inventions become available to regular, everyday people like me.

Before my stroke in 2006, Facebook was getting pretty big but it was competing neck and neck and duking it out with MySpace. My what? Never heard of it. Maybe it’s not in Webster’s Dictionary but everyone knows what it means to “unfriend” someone. Twitter wasn’t even invented yet but we all know what it means to send out a “Tweet”. One of my favorite late-night talk show hosts is Jimmy Fallon, I think he’s hilarious. One of his routines is Late Night Hashtags. What he does is set up a funny hashtag like, #mymostembarrassingbreakup or #worstroommateever, and people send in Tweets that fall into those categories. I don’t fully understand how to set up and use hashtags or how they actually work, but I get the general concept of them. So basically, my knowledge of modern technology comes from commercials and late night TV!

Tons of people have smart phones nowadays, they’re high powered miniature computers people carry around with them that they can call, or more likely – text*, people with. When Jen first got her phone a couple years ago, I convinced her that it would be fun for both of us if she downloaded and played Angry Birds while I watched. I was wrong. You know what’s pretty fun to actually do but not all that fun to watch? Probably a lot of things but playing video games has to be way up there on the list. That little experiment lasted about 5 minutes.

Smart phones are great, I’m still amazed that we can look up movie times and buy tickets, check email and get directions to where we’re going – all without leaving the van. The last time I personally used a cell phone was right before my stroke on the one I had had for about a week. At the time my Nokia flip phone with the optional sport fun pack was a fairly nice phone. It probably wasn’t at the top of the line, but I bet it was pretty close. Now, I’m sure I couldn’t give it away.

Jen, my Dad, even my 14 year old nephew all have tablets and know how to get around on them pretty good. Speaking of tablets, a friend of ours sent us this video. It’s hilarious:

http://www.snotr.com/video/8965/

I hope I’m still around in 2030, or even 2040, because I’m really curious to see what cool stuff we’ll all probably have by then!

* I can actually get my hand on and do that one. Jen helped me set up an account (phone #) on Google Voice. From there I can send and receive text messages by myself. On top of that, we forwarded my “phone” to my email account so all of my incoming texts go right in my inbox. It’s how I stay in touch with my nephews. Like almost all teenagers, the text message is their primary form of communication.

I just finished creating the slides for our upcoming 5th Annual Trivia Night Fundraiser. What a job! That was the fun part though, the real work is in coming up with and writing the questions throughout the year. In fact, my question “bank” is pretty much cleaned out. I had trouble scraping together enough questions for the last two “Bottom of the Barrel” rounds. I can’t tell if the questions are real easy, real hard or just plain stupid – I’ll let you decide!

Don’t get me wrong, having one finger that sort of works is A LOT better than having none at all, but you can’t really over-estimate the value of having two perfectly good working hands. Back in the old days, I could’ve cranked this job out in about three days tops. Nowadays? Not so much. We’re talking six weeks or so. I have a little spreadsheet (of course) that lists all of the things we need to do for the TN. Jen and I still have plenty to do in the next three weeks but crossing this off the list was HUGE.

Now I can get back to doing important stuff like yammering away on this blog and watching Gold Rush. (Note: I think it’s a really good show but I’d much rather be the cameraman filming the other guy digging through 9 tons of dirt looking for an ounce of gold. Better yet, maybe I’ll be the guy in the big, corner office of the network’s headquarters in lower Manhatten deciding if the network is going to renew the show for yet another season. Are these clowns ever gonna hit the mother lode? Hit the jackpot? These imbeciles couldn’t hit water if they fell out of a boat! We should’ve gone with the Las Vegas pawn shop guys when we had the chance.)

Don’t you feel like poking the next person in the eye with something sharp that comes to you and starts complaining about this winter that we’re all experiencing together? Well, get your stick ready – I’m on deck. It’s not the cold weather that’s so bad, it’s just that this winter keeps dragging on. (How many times have you heard that?) It really doesn’t matter to me if it’s 4◦ or 64◦, I’m not going anywhere. I bet that I haven’t been outside for more than two minutes in a row in five months. Nothing against this kitchen, I’m glad we remodeled it a couple years ago and all, but you can count the decorative plates hanging on the wall above the sink only so many times. (If you’re wondering, I just checked 5 minutes ago for the 1,279th time and I’m pretty certain there’re still seven of them.) Besides, my summertime perch is just 8’ away – out through the back door right there and to the right – but it might as well be in New Zealand, I’m not going there any time soon either!

We have a pond out back that used to have 15-20 fish. The handful that are left still clinging to life, the 5 or 6 hard cases that haven’t succumbed to starvation and hypothermia yet, are probably out there cussing us out. I need to get Rosetta Stone: Goldfish and try to figure out what they’re saying about us.

I don’t know what gets under my skin more, this long and brutal winter or having to listen to Dave Murray chuckle and tell us about it with his evil grin. By the way, who told him that wearing a powder blue sweater vest would be a good look for him? I, of all people, should be kinder and more compassionate towards people with disabilities but having your color blind wife select your outfits for you to wear isn’t a great idea. Didn’t they realize that he’d probably be on TV that day?

The weather better break pretty soon, I’m still too young to be a crotchety old man, by then, of course, I’ll be on the front porch yelling at the neighborhood kids to STAY OFF MY LAWN!!

By no means am I a film critic or anything but I do see my fair share of movies (we both do!). Especially this time of year, December and January, when a bunch of stuff gets released in time for awards season. I thought I’d share my thoughts on a few of them that we’ve seen recently:

American Hustle: This movie takes place in the ‘70’s and is about these fictional characters who are involved with the real-life ABSCAM scandal. Christian Bale plays this sleazeball con artist, comb-over and all, who gets in way over his head. He does an awesome job. Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Adams play his wife and girlfriend, they’re both very good too. Jeremy Renner plays the corrupt mayor who easily accepts bribes. Bradley Cooper plays the FBI agent with high aspirations, if we’re not careful, he may singlehandedly bring back the man-perm. Robert DeNiro and Louis C.K. also had small roles. I was just a little kid back then, so what do I know, but as a rule the ‘70’s pretty much sucked (minus some of the music) and I’m glad that decade is history, but movies like this one and Argo make you feel kind of nostalgic for that time and also it makes that time period seem better than it actually was.

her: This movie is about this weird, introverted and lonely guy looking for love who ends up forming a romantic relationship with the new Operating System (OS) he just got for his computer. The main guy, Theodore Twombly, is played by real-life freakshow Joachin Phoenix. My guess is that you probably have to be completely whacko like him to be that good an actor. Scarlett Johannsen played the part of his love interest/computer’s OS. Even though you only hear her voice and never see her, she was also very good. Amy Adams played his friend who he should have tried to hook up with instead of his computer because she was a real person. Rooney Mara was the ex-wife who left him just in time before he obviously completely lost his mind. Chris Pratt (‘Andy’ from Parks and Recreation) played his buddy from work. He brought his real-life, flesh and blood girlfriend out on a double date with the main character and his ‘girlfriend’. You should’ve seen that, it was totally weird.

This movie is set in the not too distant future in L.A. Everything looks clean and nice so it has kind of a futuristic look to it. It was nominated for an Oscar (Golden Globe maybe?) in the Best Costume Design category. What?! You gotta be kidding me! The only “costumes” I saw were the Sansa-belt slacks that all the men wore pulled up 3 inches over their navels. Those pants are so far out of fashion that I’m not even sure I’m spelling Sansa-belt correctly. I used to work with this guy at Emerson, 25 years ago, who used to wear those kind of pants every day to work. I’m certainly no slave to fashion but even I knew they should have been in mothballs for about 15 years. He was a nice enough guy despite the fact that he talked your ear off so much that you’d hope you have a brain aneurism – it’s just that his wardrobe screamed, ‘NERD!!’

Even though this movie had a goofy plot and was basically a chick flick I really liked it, probably because of the acting. The only other person in the theater didn’t agree, however, he got up and walked out after 15 minutes. Not that I wanted to but I couldn’t have left if I wanted to, I’m pretty much a “captive” audience.

August: Osage County: If you think your family is jacked up, wait until you check out these guys. This family puts the “D” in Dysfunctional. Meryl Streep plays the brash and horrible witch of a mom who’s been doused with a triple batch of psycho. Her character makes you glad she wasn’t your mom. Julia Roberts is the family’s second-in-command and her family has its own issues. This is one of those movies that has a bunch of people in it that you recognize but you aren’t sure of their name, but they’re all really good. The only actor I really knew, besides Juliette Lewis, was Benedict Cumberbatch, and that’s only because he’s in Sherlock, a show I really like. He’s a freaky looking dude but he can sure act. I think this movie is definitely worth seeing if you can stomach watching Pretty Woman drop the F-bomb about 250 times!

Next up: Labor Day. Yet another chick flick, apparently I like those now, that will probably be pretty corny and sappy but by law I have to go see it because I read the book. As Paul Harris of KTRS pointed out, how many times has an escaped convict taken you hostage, showed you how to make a peach pie and then played catch with your son outside in the yard!

No, actually and unfortunately I’m wide awake. I don’t mean to be rude but I just want to close my eyes. Not because I’m tired or anything, I get plenty of sleep, but since I have pretty bad double vision it can get fairly annoying, it’s more comfortable if I just close my eyes frequently. It’s not all bad. For instance, when we go to the show I get to see two movies for the price of one! Besides, I kind of got this whole stoner/statue/narcoleptic impersonation thing going on so my eyes are usually half closed. (I double-checked the definition of that word – I was so afraid I’d confuse it with kleptomaniac or necrophiliac. Eww, gross!)

In addition, my eyes get itchy and watery several times a day, usually right when I wake up. Since I can’t wipe them myself, just keeping them closed gives me some relief.

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve actually fallen asleep while sitting in my chair during the day. It isn’t the most comfortable thing in the world. La-Z-Boy doesn’t make wheelchairs, I checked. I will say, though, it’s gotten better the last few years. Either that, or I’ve just gotten used to it! It used to be that I was only good for a few hours before I’d get very uncomfortable and my joints stiffen up.

When I do doze off it’s usually when I’m in the van waiting for Jen at the store. This ticks me off because while I’m sitting there sawing logs, the book that I’m almost always listening to just keeps playing in my ears, the story waits for no one. When Jen finishes shopping and returns to the van, waking me up, she has to “flip back” the pages of my book and rewind it some. Together we try to find the spot in my book when I fell asleep. Easier said than done. Uh, that sounds sorta familiar. Let’s try there.

Actually, I’m not a chemist
So, the other day I get an email from this guy I know from whom I’ve never before received an email. Hmm, what’s this? It turned out to be an invitation to join his network of professionals, office workers, etc. on a website called LinkedIn. I’m not a total caveman, I’d heard of this site but I’ve never actually used it before. Apparently it’s a lot like Facebook for adults with grown-up jobs who aren’t too concerned about what you’re having for lunch or who you’re taking to prom. (Facebook is another site I wasn’t too familiar with until my sister recently took a trip to Ireland – great pictures! Seriously, how did we all survive the dark days before the internet?)

Back to the email. It sounded harmless enough so I figured, What the heck?, and clicked “OK – Join Network”. It then took me to the LinkedIn website and since I’d never used it before it had me set up an account and user profile. Now, this is where I got into trouble. I was a little bored at the time and I thought it’d be sort of fun to make up a fake identity for myself. In my defense, who wouldn’t want to have a doctorate in biochemistry from Northwestern University?! I don’t mean actually earn the degree, I mean just have one. After my “educational and professional achievements” were saved, it showed me a page containing forty or so people to which I had some connection. I see some of the people pretty often but I haven’t seen a lot of the people since high school. It was a little on the creepy side. Facebook does that too. Somehow “they” just know who I was mildly acquainted with 30 years ago. Spooky.

“Click OK to continue”. Sure, why not? Click. Congratulations! Your profile is complete and an invitation has been sent to these 43 people to join your network. Uh-oh, what’d I just do? I got my answer the next day when a friend of ours emailed Jen and asked, ‘Since when is Jim a “Self-employed Chemist”?’ Um, since never. Whoops, busted! Guess I better be more careful when screwing around on the internet. I’m just glad I didn’t say I was a “crystal meth dealer” or that I was in “homemade quilt sales”.

I was always taught that I should have a pretty good idea what the fine print says before signing my name on the dotted line, I guess that same advice applies to “Click OK to Confirm and Continue”!

We recently encountered a pretty severe snowstorm here in St. Louis that dropped a ton of snow on us and brought along some subzero temperatures. Do you know how I knew that? Because when I looked out the window the yard was completely covered with snow. Also, the little thermometer Gadget thing on my computer said it was -7◦. Know how else I knew? Because all of the local TV stations covered it for 96 hours in a row. Great, now I have to stay home, sit by the fire and binge watch my favorite TV shows from Netflix (DVD and Streaming). Oh wait I forgot, I pretty much do that every afternoon from about October through March.

One station had no less than 15 reporters spread out through the metropolitan area demonstrating to us, live on camera, how deep the snow was using a forearm and that ice on pavement is in fact – slippery. One guy gave his report while driving down the highway, practically tailgating a snowplow, using a dashcam and talking to us using a cell phone. I would never wish a traffic accident on anybody but on the other hand… a couple of 360’s and a little fender bender never hurt anyone and would have been hilarious. His words of wisdom: ‘The roads are terrible and the temperature is brutal so if at all possible – PLEASE STAY HOME!’ Thanks, I think I will.

If I owned or ran a TV station, the weather segment of the News would last no longer than 15 seconds:
Chip (the desk anchor): Thanks for that report, Maria. And now the weather… Arthur?
Arthur (the weather guy): Thanks Chip. Folks, it’ll probably snow. If it already did, then it might again. Plus, it’s gonna be cold for a while. Brrr! It’s St. Louis in January, what did you expect? Just accept it. And now, something more interesting – like Sports or something. Back to you Chip.
I might win an Emmy.

The funniest (or saddest) thing about this latest storm is that Dave Murray, the weatherman at channel 2, is away on vacation and completely missed it. He totally lives for this stuff. When there’s severe weather in the area, he smiles and practically trembles with excitement when he’s reporting it – he can hardly contain his emotions. ‘Folks, there’ve been reports of funnel clouds in the area and I’ve seen cloud rotation on the Doppler. If you’re in this storm’s path, you should go to the basement. If you are in a mobile home, slab house or can’t go to the basement, then you need to go to the center of the structure and kiss your ass goodbye. Mha! Mha! ( doing the evil laugh thing while rubbing his hands together up by his chin).’ You know he’s on a warm, sunny beach somewhere all bummed out and depressed thinking to himself, ‘Biggest weather event in 30 years and I missed it. Who needs these stupid palm trees and gorgeous sunsets anyway? I have snow, ice and subzero temperatures right in my backyard.’ Don’t worry guy, there’s plenty of winter left and the spring thunderstorms are right around the corner. Hang in there little buddy!

Speaking of an early warning, a couple years ago I tried to do the responsible thing and bought a weather radio. You know, one of those things that have a direct line to the National Weather Service and sound an annoying and high pitched alarm that is loud enough to wake the dead every time bad weather is in the area. Weather geeks like my brother-in-law like that stuff like that (I use the word ‘geek’ in a loving and caring way!). Hey – everybody likes to get their geek on in their own way. I, for instance, record NOVA on PBS each week on the DVR. I get it, not everyone’s cup of tea. This week’s episode explores the possibility of life on other planets – I can’t wait!

Anyway, back to the weather radio. It would sound the alarm, alerting us and our neighbors, every time there was a flood watch in Franklin County or high winds in High Ridge. Needless to say, we both got tired of being awakened from a deep sleep to find Jen clutching onto the ceiling fan pretty quick. I’m sure there was a way to set it so that it was sensitive only to weather that might affect our location but that probably involved reading the directions and performing 3 or 4 slightly complicated steps. Who has room for that kind of trouble in their lives? So we just unplugged it and threw it in the basement with the other Misfit Toys!

A few years ago, Jen’s grandma bought this little lap quilt for me to put on my legs. It is the perfect size, big enough to cover my hands and legs and keep them warm but not as big and bulky as a full fledged blanket. It gets used all the time, but I only use it when I get chilly – about 10 months out of the year! We call it my “Blinky”.

I’m not sure why we started calling it that, maybe it was because babies always had a “Binky” with them or maybe it’s because I blink a lot – who knows? More importantly, who cares? All that matters to us is that when I say, ‘Blinky, please?’, we both know exactly what I’m talking about. I know it sounds like baby-talk and it’s pretty immature but I’m way beyond worrying about what others might think. That train left the station a long time ago. Not getting too many points for style these days! I’m the guy who’s been wearing a pair of black Crocs every day for the last seven years and I have a clip-on tie to wear when the occasion calls for me to “dress up”. I’m not too surprised that I didn’t make the 2013 People Magazine’s Best Dressed List last year.

For our 10th Anniversary a year ago, our friend Nina gave us a blanket she had made – she’s very crafty. It’s super soft and extremely warm (pictured here). We call it the ‘Nina Blanket’ (catchy name, hun?). It was a gift for both of us but I think the only time Jen lays her hands on it is when she’s covering me up with it!

When we remodeled our bathroom a few years ago, I asked Mark to install a jet engine from an old Boeing 737 for us to use as a heater. When turned on, it comfortably warms the bathroom to a toasty 150◦. Aaah! Just what the doctor ordered! I know Jen’s not real wild about it, but I think it’s perfectly OK to break a sweat when taking a shower.

I was never a huge fan of cold weather, but I have almost have no tolerance for it since my stroke. Unlike my neighbor, who creatively and extensively decorates his house with Christmas lights every year in only shorts, sandals and a sweatshirt with the sleeves cut off. Or that kid you see at every bus stop in February not wearing a coat, trying to show his toughness. Not me though, I’m none of those guys – just the opposite. I get cold pretty easily these days. Some of it probably has to do with me getting a little bit older but I think that most of it is due to me being a quadriplegic. Since I don’t move around at all I don’t generate any body heat. You oughtta see it, while Jen is bustling around in the kitchen every morning – usually in a t-shirt and sweatpants, I’m sitting there all bundled up in a long sleeved sweatshirt and the Blinky!

Every morning when I wake up Jen comes in and gives me “The Update”, a rundown of what we’ll be doing the next 3 or 4 days. It’s similar to the briefing the president receives every morning but national security usually isn’t impacted. I like to hear what’s going on around us in our lives and what is coming up in the next few days but I must be honest and confess, I’m really only paying close attention to the parts about what’s going on that day. Hey, I have my reasons!

First of all, like many husbands I suffer from Selective A.D.D. and it flares up frequently when Jen is trying to tell me something that doesn’t pertain to that day’s plans. From what I understand, it’s fairly common. Secondly, the “Plan” usually changes from day to day. I’m good as long as I know what’s going on that day. Lastly, and most importantly, I really live my life “one day at a time”.

I realize that’s an overly used cliché and people say it all the time but I really do try to consciously approach life that way. The overall average life expectancy of a normal, healthy person in this country is 79 and I’m 46. I consider myself to be more or less average and healthy enough so I can expect to be around another 33 years. In other words, barring a miracle or major breakthrough in medicine, I should be in the same boat physically as I am today for a long, long time. So, as you can imagine, I prefer not to look into the future much more than 24 hours. Looking at life way down the road can be a bit depressing and it kinda freaks me out!

Whatever Jen has on the day’s docket pretty much determines what I’m gonna do that day to pass the time, not that I have a ton of options to choose from. If we have an errand or two to run at lunchtime and I’m gonna be spending some time in the van waiting, I’ll bring along my mp3 player loaded with my current book. If we’re going to be home all day, then I have all afternoon to watch something on my computer – DVD, Amazon, Netflix Watch Instantly, Hulu, etc. or spend some time just messing around on this laptop (ie. Write this blog, email, Trivia Night questions…)

Programmatically speaking:

LOCATION = “INSIDE”
FIRE_IN_FIREPLACE_SW = NO
IF TEMPERATURE < 45
SET FIRE_IN_FIREPLACE_SW = YES
END-IF.
IF TEMPERATURE BETWEEN 75 AND 90 INCLUSIVE
AND NOT_RAINING
MOVE “OUTSIDE” TO LOCATION
END-IF.

Basically, four months out of the year are spent on the deck, another four by the fireplace and four in the kitchen (wishing I could sit outside OR inside by the fire!).

Merry Christmas everyone!

Jim

This weekend marks the one year anniversary of that terrible, murderous tragedy up in Newtown, CT. Man, that was really sad. Remember when that psycho broke into that Amish school and executed several of the kids and then cowardly killed himself a while back? That was a month or two after my stroke, I remember watching the wall to wall news coverage of it. It was so sad. It didn’t seem like too much time passed before that seriously disturbed student at Virginia Tech went on a killing spree and shot and killed something like 32 people. Then a few years ago, that whacko out in New Mexico (or was it Arizona?) shot up a Gabrielle Giffords political rally. He badly injured her and killed a little girl, among several others. How about that freak out in Colorado who shot up that midnight showing of Batman in a crowded theater, killing all those people? You just know he’s gonna get off on an insanity plea and spend the rest of his life, 50 years or so, living in a mental hospital somewhere, on taxpayers’ dimes. I know I’m not mentioning all of the recent shooting tragedies but those are the ones off of the top of my head.

A lot people agree, me included, that the main reason those terrible things happened was because a seriously mentally disturbed person ‘slipped through the cracks’ and took out his rage on a bunch of innocent people for whatever reason. It wasn’t because of the fact that the Second Amendment and the NRA exist so we have so many guns laying around and something bad was bound to happen. On the other hand, there crazy people all over the world but it seems like not many countries are as violent as the United States. When was the last time you heard of a shooting spree in Tokyo or Toronto? Speaking of the Great White North, say what you want about Canada but they have almost no gun violence – mostly because of their extremely strict gun laws. And who wouldn’t get a little crazy living up there? WAY too much wilderness and solitude!

I know a little (very little) bit about the U.S. Constitution from my high school history class 25 years ago and from Wikipedia so don’t quote me on any of this. The 2nd Amendment, the one that guarantees the right to bear arms, was ratified by Congress in 1789 and became the law of the land. Our very young country just finished overthrowing and separating itself from the oppressive British Empire. In order for that to happen, ordinary citizens had to be armed and willing to fight. The founding fathers must have wanted to make sure its citizens could defend themselves and rise up against a possible oppressive and hostile government in the future. That same year, Congress also adopted and passed into law the 3rd Amendment. That’s the one that says the government doesn’t have the right to force its citizens at any time to turn over their homes and give free room and board to the military. I don’t remember ever hearing or reading about the armed forces taking over someone’s house for their use – and it wasn’t because the 3rd Amendment said they couldn’t. Just my opinion : I’m guessing that Thomas Jefferson and those guys were thinking about what just went on the previous 10-20 years and weren’t too concerned with people’s rights 224 years in the future. Also, what is the importance of the 3rd Amendment? Why is it even still on the books? Isn’t it a little ridiculous and outdated?

Don’t get me wrong, I like guns too. Probably more than most people but I never got that much into it as some. I didn’t live at Bass Pro and Cabela’s and I’m not sure when ‘gun season’ is (November?) but I’ve been hunting a few times and I enjoyed it. I certainly understand how people really get into it, I just never did.

Speaking of hunting, I went deer hunting exactly one time in my life. I went with a friend of mine and a bunch of his work buddies that were totally into it. I was pretty much out of my element but it was still fun. Besides, I was only going to be there for a day, I had a scrapbooking convention to get to. So there I was on the morning of the ‘hunt’, sitting in the middle of the woods and leaning up against a tree, with my 12-guage shotgun loaded with deer slugs and my folding Buck knife with the 3” blade – hoping like hell that I wouldn’t be needing to use either one. I also had my pocket-sized video poker game, the one that routinely makes loud beeping noises, and a paperback novel. If I hadn’t given up cigarettes by then I’m sure I would have been chain smoking too to help pass the time. I mean, I wasn’t just gonna sit there all day doing nothing! What was I supposed to do when my A.D.D. kicked in? If a deer was drunk and oblivious enough to his surroundings to come within 50 feet of me I guess I would have shot it but I’m not sure what I would have done next. I guess I would’ve hiked back to the camp to try to find one of the real deer hunters. I’d have said, ‘Um, I just shot a deer about a half a mile that way and I’m pretty sure he’s dead. Can you help me field dress it, I have a knife, drag it back here and tie it to the hood of my Ford Probe?’ Thank God the deer all avoided me like the plague and it wasn’t an issue!

So you see, I’ve always been ‘pro-gun’ and supported gun ownership rights. I’ve just recently started questioning that line of thought. I think of it like this and try to parallel it to driving: Back when I could drive, I liked to drive fast sometimes because it was fun. However, I didn’t do it (that often!) Not only was it illegal, it was a danger to myself and others. If I woke up tomorrow and somehow the powers that be said, ‘OK, that’s it – no more guns. You can’t make them and you can’t buy them anymore.’ I know that would never happen but if it did, at first I would be angry but after a while, I gotta say that I wouldn’t be all that upset. I believe that fewer guns mean fewer incidents of gun violence. Also, I believe that the rights to life by far too many victims of gun violence easily trump the rights of gun owners.

OK, let me have it (I asked for it!)…