Ohh! You mean a computer virus. Yeah sure, I caught one of those. A big, fat, hairy, nasty and malicious one. Much like getting the flu shot and then a new and improved strain slips by and gives you the flu, no matter how diligent I am about running several types of anti-virus programs (currently 4) every week, ultimately I end up getting bit. It’s just a question of how bad – and this was a bad one.

I was just sitting there minding my own business and typing away at my usual rate of 4 wpm when the virus “woke up” and pretty much turned my laptop into a boat anchor. I had just finished downloading Windows updates (Coincidence? Hmm… maybe) when everything went haywire – my desktop and all my icons went away and was replaced with a screen I couldn’t get past.

The screen was fairly “official-looking”. The banner across the top had pictures of the American flag, a bald eagle and Barack Obama. This has to be legit, right? After reading the first couple lines I figured it had to be a scam (at least I hoped so). It said that the “Dept. of Homeland Security Anti-Crime Unit” (even sounds hokey) was taking over and restricting access to my computer. Damn. What’d I do now? Apparently, they found that I’d been busy downloading loads of pornographic images involving children and filling up my hard drive with it – and they weren’t having any of it. Man, I’m sorry, I didn’t even know I was doing that.
Who am I, Pete Townsend? (The slightly weird lead guitarist for The Who who got busted in the mid 90’s after police found hordes of child pornography on his computer. He claimed it was on there because he needed it for “research” for a book he was writing. Sure Pete, I completely understand. Now, please turn around and put your hands behind your back You have the right to remain silent…)
All would be forgiven if I agreed to pay them a fine and fee of $300, then they would unlock my computer. No harm, no foul. Well, now we’re getting somewhere! I guess you can have child porn just laying around all over the place as long as you can cover the $300. Somehow , that doesn’t pass the ‘Smell’ test.

So, with my screen dark and my computer basically kaput, needless to say the mood around here got a little – tense. I can physically survive without my laptop but it’s just about as important to me as, say, one of my kidneys. It’s one thing to be sitting in church or a movie theater without it, but it’s another thing to be sitting around in “My Spot” in the kitchen or on the deck for 8 hours a day, every day without it.

Who does this stuff anyway? I picture a bunch of computer geeks hiding out in the dark of their parents’ basement where they live trying to figure out ways to make the rest of us miserable. (Actually, that’s not fair to computer geeks – I know a few of them and they’re not like that.) Why don’t they go outside and feel the sun? Go bike riding or shoot baskets – or better yet, ask an actual girl for a date for the first time now that you’ve reached your 30th birthday and leave us alone!

Do you know who Phil is on Duck Dynasty? He’s one of the older guys. Not Uncle Si, the other guy – the patriarch of the family. Well, he doesn’t own a cell phone and has never used a computer. In fact, he doesn’t have any use for anything invented after about 1947. There are a few times (very few) where I wished I didn’t rely on modern technology so much, like him. This would be one of those times.

Wow! It looks like my “short story” is gonna be a “short novel”. So –

to be continued…