Those of you that have seen me since my stroke can tell, ‘Something is wrong with that guy.’ My face is completely void of expression and is totally paralyzed. It’s like I’m wearing a mask or something. Nobody, unless your last name is Kardashian, likes to see their image in a photograph or their face in a mirror for a prolonged period of time. I’m no different – especially nowadays. We have a decorative mirror on the wall in our bedroom, I roll past it every morning in the Hoyer lift when I get out of bed. Occasionally, I catch a glimpse of myself and I don’t like what I see. I think, ‘Who’s that guy? The one with the completely deadpan look on his face? He kinda looks like me.’
See what I mean? Did someone just tell me a hilarious joke or did I just finish watching “Brian’s Song”? Tough to tell. Am I right?
Jen knows my face very well though. She can tell what kind of mood I’m in or if something is irritating me, like an itch or something, just by glancing at me. I don’t know how she does it. It’s like she can read my mind or something. Maybe all married couples are like that. You’d think you could hide behind Locked-In Syndrome every once in a while, what’s it good for anyway?!
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Wish I had stock in the makers of Kanka
At this time of year, just days before Thanksgiving, I’m reminded of all the things I am thankful for: good health, family, friends, country, etc. It’s easily one of my favorite holidays, hands down. I just wish it was in a better month. November, in a word, blows. What was Abe Lincoln thinking? Anyway, I like Thanksgiving so much for the noble reasons I just mentioned but if I’m honest with myself, those things are in front of my mind IN ADDITION TO knowing that I’m about to chow down on a really awesome feast!
How does that one saying go?: ‘But before the grace of God go I’. Something like that. That’s how I feel about being able to sort of eat even just a little bit. A lot of people in a situation similar to mine can’t eat at all, they haven’t tasted food or drink in a long, long time. I can’t imagine what that must be like.
Jen purees all my food for me in a little blender because I can’t control my jaw at all in order to chew. She does a great job with it and makes sure it doesn’t have any big chunks in there – I choke easily – but just in case, she went and took a course on how to do the Heimlich maneuver on someone in a wheelchair. I’m not sure how it all works but I think it involves a round-house kick to the stomach. Let’s just hope I never need it!
Like I said, I know I’m very fortunate that I am able to eat at all and I don’t want to come off sounding ungrateful, but that blessing can sometimes be a curse. Here’s why: Since I have very little control over my jaw and mouth area in general, it always seems like I’m always biting something no matter how careful I am. I have a perpetual canker sore that moves around from the inside of my cheek, to my upper lip then to my tongue. I’ve cussed out my teeth many times, any more they’re just for show but Boy – they sure know how to inflict pain!
I’m one of these two guys twice a day. Three times if I have dessert. (Usually the case!)
lockedinjim 
I have to disagree. You have different expressions, maybe you don’t realize it. The few weeks/months after your stroke, your face really didn’t move. I will never forget the first time you laughed after the stroke (maybe a month or so out) – my world stopped spinning for a minute! It was definitely music to my ears.
Jim,
I laughed out loud at the caption on your picture. I really look forward to your posts. Keep it up. You and Jennifer have a great Thanksgiving!
Have a good Thanksgiving Jim. I know that you can not show your feelings, and you have more going on inside then we will ever know. I appriciate you sharing with me/us.
I do know when you laugh! (I think). Your lip curls up to the side and your eyes kind of light up – that makes me smile! You and Jen have a wonderful Thanksgiving and enjoy your dinner!
love ya’s
sherry
Keep the posts coming Jim, I love every one of them. Being in a technical position, the virus one really made me laugh All of them have been a real treat to read and I look forward to the next one. Hope you and Jen have a wonderful, blessed Thanksgiving!
Love to you both –
Julie & Bruce
After reading each blog I always remind myself how glad I took time to read these. To you, your face may seem expressionless. To me, your writings bring a heck of a lot of joy and I don’t care about your mug in the mirror. I get a few chuckles out of these. That’s interesting that Jen can read your emotion from a seemingly emotionless face. Keep ’em coming bud. And btw, happy Thanksgiving to you both. tr
Happy Thanksgiving to you and Jen and to all of your wonderful family that we are so thankful to call our dearest friends!!
Happy Thanksgiving to you and Jen!! I love reading your posts! Thanks for sharing and enjoy your day tomorrow!
Always excited when I see one of your posts in my in-box Jim! This one didn’t disappoint! You give me new perspective and I know God has blessed you with your positive outlook on your life. You make me a better person Jim. Happy Thanksgiving to you & your beloved Jen. You both rock!!
Hoping you are enjoying some wonderful eats – pass the pumpkin pie!
Well I hope you enjoyed your thanksgiving meal. We have finished ours and I sat down to catch up on your blog. Another great read. It is amazing what we can tell about those people close to us without them saying a word. Jen you are amazing and you both are rare examples of love and dedication to all of us. Jim, if it is any consolation, I wonder about the mug I see in the mirror. I am also not pleased sometimes with what I see, but I remind myself I am doing the best with what the Lord provided me. It really isn’t about what you see on the outside, but what is inside. You have a wonderful world inside you that many people appreciate you sharing in these blogs. Keep sharing. I think it is time for desert.
You are a prime example of “it’s what’s on the inside that counts”. Hope you and your family have had a wonderful Thanksgiving!!