[Author’s Note: It’s been brought to my attention that this week’s blog post is pretty disgusting, and it needs a disclaimer. Good idea, don’t wanna cause any harm or get sued. So, here goes: People with heart conditions, expectant mothers or those with weak stomachs should proceed with caution. Also, you might wanna finish eating before continuing.]


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But first, my “Pet Peeve of the Day”:

The correct pronunciation of the word “Mozzarella” sounds like “motes arella”, but I don’t care – because that bugs me. Regardless of the right way to say it, if you were born in the United States and you don’t have your own cooking show on the Food Network, the universally accepted way to say that word is “mottsa rella”. Sorry, that’s just how it is.

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I always thought raccoons were relatively harmless. They were just cute, little, furry, mask-wearing bandits. Nocturnal and quiet, they would dress up like bank robbers, sneak out of the storm sewer next door or the nearby woods and come forage through your garbage cans or backyard bird feeder – no big deal. I don’t think that way anymore.

Here’s why
(I’m gonna try for the “Cliff Notes” version because I’m determined to keep this post short, for once.):

One morning last July, while sitting at her desk in our sunroom and quietly working, Jen was startled by a very large raccoon that seemed to drop from the sky and onto the top of our privacy fence just outside her window, about 5 feet away. She very rarely utters a cuss word but at that moment, I’m willing to bet that what she said would’ve made a sailor blush!

In the weeks leading up to that morning, she had been hearing a scratching noise like something was scurrying around coming from up above the ceiling. We appeared to have an uninvited guest or two living in our attic, so we called a pest control company that very morning.

Blake the Exterminator came out that afternoon and set a very large live trap under the tree out back. The next morning it was – voila!  Just like that we bagged what appeared to be a 105-lb., very sad raccoon – who wanted to tear our faces off. That probably fixed the problem but just to be sure, Blake wanted to give it a week so there would be enough time for any more critters to clear out of the attic before sending out one of his guys to seal up the attic permanently.

The following things happened over the next 4-7 days and for whatever reason, we didn’t make a connection between them and the gigantic raccoon we just caught. Like most of my stories, this one also has several moving parts. These three things happened pretty much simultaneously:

A)  An awful smell was coming from the master bathroom and we tried and tried but we couldn’t locate the source. Have you ever had a dead mouse in the basement? Then you know what I’m talking about. The smell gets in your ductwork and then blows directly into your face while you’re trying to fall asleep, every time the air kicks on. It smelled pretty much like that except the mouse must’ve been the size of a guinea pig.  

B)  Jen kept finding these little, white, wormlike bugs crawling around in our bathroom sink. She had no idea where they were coming from. They seemed to materialize in thin air and drop into the sink.

C)  The pest control guy, Blake’s employee, came over and sealed up our gable vents with some chicken wire. While he was up in the attic working, his foot slipped off the rafter he was walking on and he put his foot right through the ceiling of our bedroom closet. He really felt terrible and embarrassed about it, he promised to come back the next day to fix it – and he was true to his word. After I got over being all ticked off about it and I finished yelling at him in my head, I felt bad for the guy because I’ve been in his shoes before. Years ago, when my dad and my brothers (and others) and I were putting a new roof on my sister’s house, my whole leg crashed through her roof and ceiling. But at least I had the decency to do it over the bathtub so I wouldn’t get little bits of drywall and insulation all over everything, unlike that guy. Come to think of it, she’s lucky I didn’t sue her (jk)!

We (incorrectly) concluded that some nasty little creature had attempted to make his way up and out of our shower drain but instead, he went on to meet his maker. So, we called a Roto Rooter-type guy to come over and snake the drain, removing the “obstruction”. Jen pointed out the bugs in the sink and the awful smell in the bathroom (the second thing was probably unnecessary).

[Another ‘Author’s Note’: I think I’m gonna wrap this up now, starting to run long – once again. These blog posts take on a life of their own. And, I didn’t even get to the ‘really gross’ part(s) yet! Believe it or not, this was the ‘Cliff Notes’ version.]

Bis zum nächsten Mal!

– Jim